“Blossomed Like a Rose”

October 29, 2008

Backstory: “Serena” and “Dan” were high school sweethearts. When high school ended, they went away to different colleges. Yet Serena continued to receive daily phone calls from Dan, saying he still loved her. Over winter break, he professed his love in person and expressed his desire that they be together, despite the distance. Serena agreed, and spent the next several months at school staying in and emailing or calling Dan as much as she could. Then, out of the blue, Serena received this email from someone named “Vanessa,” who had never met:

Dear Serena,

I know you don’t know me, or at least not as much as I know you. My name is Vanessa and I am Dan’s new girlfriend. Dan has told me so much about you, and I truly feel that you are the type of girl that I would like to get to know and be friends with. While you probably will not be feeling this same way about me when you read this, I hope that in time we can get to know each other and be friends.

Over the last 4 months, while I have been going out with Dan, he has grown so much as a person. Indeed he has blossomed like a rose. I know you mean so much to him because he talks about you all the time. However you should know that I mean a lot to him too. Dan has room in his heart for both of us right now, but everyday he and I are growing closer and that’s not going to stop. It’s time that you accepted the fact that your relationship with him has withered. Dan wants to be with me now, and you should move on.

I hope you will not take this letter the wrong way, I mean the best for you and for Dan.

Take care,

Vanessa

Flirting

October 19, 2008

Overheard, a conversation between two recently dumped individuals:

“You know, flirting? I don’t know if I remember how to do that.”

“No, you do. It’s just like riding a bike.”

Happy Anniversary

October 18, 2008

Backstory: The recipient and writer of this email dated for over five years. After almost a year straight of fighting, they broke up in January, tried to stay friends throughout the spring, but ultimately stopped talking by the summer. This email came in late August, a few weeks after what would have been their sixth anniversary:

I hope that you are happy with what you have done. I never thought that it would come to this especially because of the nature of the break up. However, after starting more than half a dozen conversations and trying to talk with you several times over the first few months, I/we got nowhere. So I decided to let you have whatever space you needed and come talk to me when you were ready.

Even though we had decided that we couldn’t really be friends and hang out or talk like friends do, I was meant to understand that at least the lines of communication would still be open for whatever reason be it casual or emergency. Ignoring everything that has happened since May, I figured that I would have at least gotten a “Hi, how are you?” or something like that by what would have been our 6 year anniversary.

When nothing came I decided against my better judgment to call you before it got too late (sometime around 10pm). Now, since you had spent roughly 1/4 of your life with me, and I spent roughly 1/5 of mine with you, I never thought that you would go so far as to not even give me the respect of a return phone call. Because of this fact I feel that my hand has been forced. I reluctantly have decided to make a committed effort to forget you altogether.

After this email I plan on removing your screen name and emails and such from anywhere that I may have them. You need not bother trying to contact me across any medium. I simply will not respond. From this day forward we are complete strangers. Good luck. I know that you will do well monetarily.

In Summation, OMG.

October 17, 2008

Backstory: “Mary” and “Kevin” went to law school together. She thought that they were just friends, but over time it became apparent that Kevin was interested in something more. His interest in Mary grew to an unhealthy obsession, but Mary repeatedly told him that she had a boyfriend with whom she wanted to stay. One night, when Mary was out of town visiting her boyfriend, Kevin sent Mary a series of instant messages saying that he would commit suicide if she didn’t agree to date him, and that the only thing that would make him feel better was if he had a girl around. The next day, Mary received this email:

Subject: OMG

Ok…so I had a few too many drinks last night. Let me preface everything with that, and then go on to comment that I was just messed up a little bit more because jury selection had just started for [Kevin’s late friend’s] murder trial. So yeah, I was just really drunk, combined with a reminder of him, and that made be ridiculously melodramatic.

As far as my other comments…I was drunk. Haha. Let me assure you however that a general rule of operating procedure is that you don’t tell people that you used to be interested if you are still interested. I’m not sure I made that caveat last night, but it is a necessary, and somewhat important caveat. My comments in this venue were of historical significance only, and had no forward-looking content.

In summation, ignore everything said last night.

A lot of people have this conception that breaking up via email message is a cop out. These people believe that break-ups should be done in person to show that you actually care enough about your partner’s feelings to let them leave the relationship with dignity. These are the same people who think that foie gras is a quaint afternoon snack that is best eaten as one drives around town in one’s gold-plated rocket car. But we at the JustBeenDumped headquarters know that writing a break-up email is really, really hard. It requires serious thought and compassion for your significant other, and can often take as long as fifteen whole minutes to artfully compose.

So if your lack of email stamina leaves you considering a break up conducted over the phone or–gasp–in person, here’s a brilliant idea that can save you both time and energy: the Break Up Email Generator. This website automatically creates a personalized break-up email, after you answer a few simple questions about your relationship. All you have to do is select the reasons behind your break-up (“he/she is just plain stupid,” “he/she has body odor issues”), which cliches you want to include (“it’s not you, it’s me,” “I’ve seen rocks that are more interesting than you”), or whether or not you want to stay friends. You even get to select your own signature from options ranging from the demure “Looking forward to our friendship” to the more direct “I hope maggots devour your testicles.”

So before you schedule that awkward break-up date, check out what the Break Up Email Generator can do for you. Read our sample email, after the jump…

Backstory: The torrid affair between “Patrick” and “Stacey” began with them as best friends. After kissing one fateful night, Patrick broke up with his girlfriend, and Stacey and Patrick tried to make it work as a couple. After four months of an intense long-distance relationship, however, Patrick dumped Stacey and got back together with his Ex. Patrick and Stacey stopped speaking, but they couldn’t stay away from each other for long. Patrick left his Ex–again–after cheating on her with Stacey–again. He told everyone, including her family, that Stacey was “the one.” Yet as soon as Patrick returned to law school, he started dating someone new. Stacey was furious. She told Patrick that she was too hurt to continue being his friend, which made him angry at her in turn. This email from Stacey followed:

hey.

i just can’t do the fake friends thing right now. like i feel like you want me to be able to just turn off everything and be back to besties circa 1L, b/c that’s what fits comfortably into your life right now. i can’t do that via email and i def. wouldn’t be able to do it in person. and i find it really insane that you would even expect me to want/be able to do that. this situation is bizarre and far from ideal, but there’s no way around it except to just sort of block it all out. i don’t want to know what’s going on with you, because it hurts, and it also really pisses me off when i think about how i let myself get dragged back into this just to be so easily discarded by you again. i thought you would have been a tiny bit more thoughtful this time around about what you said and did with me, but i guess it never really was/is about me at all. which is apparantely a lesson that i just can’t seem to learn. i have plenty of questions about what all that bullshit in december was about. was it about just getting a guaranteed fuck? or was a shred of that trying to be a better person stuff actually true and you just couldn’t pull it off? i hope it’s the latter, because i’d rather think that you are just weak rather than cruel. unfortunately i think it is probably the former though. to mess with me that way just to get laid is beyond low. i don’t know if i did something to you somewhere in our relationship to deserve this treatment from you, but it seems completely pathological how you have absolutely no regard for me at all. it is scary to see that this is how you treat someone that you claim to have loved– or even liked for that matter. or maybe the more you care about someone the worse you treat them? who knows. that’s totally fucked up. we’re both people who have pretty major issues and insecurities. the difference between us is that my shit fucks up MY LIFE, whereas your shit completely fucks up the lives of other people. i’m jealous, i wish that i wasn’t the sole victim of my own insanity; i think it would be a lot easier to just fuck up other people’s lives and keep on plugging, thinking it’s all justified. good for you. bad for me. and your next g/f (victim).

stacey

A Slippery Ski Slope

October 14, 2008

Backstory: “Aaron” and “Beth” had been dating for over a year, and were very happy together. But then Aaron slept with “Carrie.” And Carrie knew about Beth. Carrie’s email to Aaron, after he left for an impromptu ski trip:

i’m sorry. i’m sorry for everything that happened. i know that you said that you don’t regret it, but if i could just erase the last week, then i would. i just couldn’t take constantly being given the third degree from everyone i know. and i couldn’t handle feeling as guilty as i do, and knowing how deeply i’ve wronged someone that i’ve barely even met. so i’m sorry about it all. i just wanted you to know that.

and for what it’s worth, i don’t think that you are a bad person. i think that you have a lot of things to figure out, and that we both made a big mistake. what matters most now is how you deal with it.

anyway, you don’t have to respond to this – i’m not sure that there’s anything left to say. and i won’t bother you anymore. i really hope that you and beth are able to work things out, and i wish you nothing but the best. have a good time skiing.

carrie

Aaron’s response, after the jump.

A necessary ingredient for any good Morning After E-mail is booze. Yes, cold hard LIQUOR. And usually a lot of it. But with this new innovation from Google Labs, those geeks in Mountain View, California might actually prevent you from sending that late night email…and save your reputation.

Google Labs tries to take down Just Been Dumped, one drunk email at a time.

Google Labs tries to take down Just Been Dumped, one drunk email at a time.


It’s called Mail Goggles.  The new feature checks to make sure you’re not too drunk to send an email by asking you to do some “simple” math problems in 60 seconds or less. Once it’s installed, you can adjust the time and days of the week that Mail Goggles is active, as well as the difficulty of the math problems. If you get all of the questions right, then you’re free to send emails all night long. If you get any of the questions wrong, it suggests that you drink some water, go to bed, or try again. Until you answer all of the questions correctly, you’re prevented from sending that provocative email where you refer to your ex as a stupid dirty prostitute who should go back to her home on Whore Island.

First of all, can we just point out that while these problems might be “simple math” for a Google engineer, they take a little bit longer for us mere mortals, even when we’re sober! We at JustBeenDumped think of ourselves as relatively intelligent individuals, yet it still took us a full 42 seconds to answer all five problems on difficulty level 1. Thanks, Google, for reminding us why we were liberal arts majors and still babysitting on that occasional Saturday night in our twenties.  (Then again, it was wine night at the JustBeenDumped headquarters…our mathematical abilities aren’t operating at usual warp speed…and no, we’re not drinking because anyone got dumped).

So if that e-mail you’ve been devising since last call can’t loiter in your draft box, well all you need is a designated emailer.  Try a roommate, or a bartender who blackberries.  And there’s always old reliable, a calculator.  We recommend a T1.  The screen is bigger for those really trashed. Then, feel free to email to your heart’s delight. In our opinion, the best emails come after fifteen a few drinks.

Backstory: The recipient of this email, “Amber,”  had feelings for her friend, “Monty.” He liked her as well, but he was already in a relationship with someone else. After realizing that M would not leave his girlfriend, A told M that they could no longer be friends. This email followed.

Dearest Amber –
It’s 4 am and sleep is nowhere in sight right now. I apologize in advance for the disjointed nature of this note…I’ve been trying to get my head straight since you left, to no avail. I didn’t expect this evening, and I am still reeling from it, trying to get used to this. I haven’t felt this low in a long time, but I suppose what goes around comes around, and I know that whatever loss I’m feeling is equivalent, if not exceeded by the emotional maelstrom I’ve induced in you.

The disjointed note continues…

Sunday Morning

October 2, 2008

An attempt to schedule a leisurely afternoon date gone horribly wrong. Sent by “Alan,” 10:00 am:

Since wed or thurs I was always under the impression that we were meeting on sunday. As a result, detailed communication as to my whereabouts didn’t seem necessary.

Sent by “Sara,”  10:30 am:

Sure, Thursday when I asked you to make plans, it was ‘Sunday’ with no specificity therein.  But since last Friday I was under the same impression for last Sunday; you complained that I do not make myself available to you (despite the fact that I don’t recall a single instance that would verify your complaint), so I chose to prioritize seeing you over studying or getting to know my new roomate in order to make ‘it’ up to you.  I don’t fault you for it never panning out, but rather for not telling me until well into the evening that you had to work, despite all my emailing / calling / texting you throughout the afternoon.  I don’t care for being under the same ‘impression’ this Sunday as last, especially when it is abundantly clear that you relegate me to your lowest social priority, to whom communication about when you would like this person to be umpteenly availiable to you ‘didn’t seem necessary’.

Sent by “Alan,” 11:30 am:

That’s a lot of drama for a sunday am. I hope you feel better now that you’ve got that off your chest.

Considering that you feel I’ve put you to my lowest social priority, I think it’s best if I remain cosistent and suggest you make other plans this evening.

I’m in central park now and plan on ejoying the rest of my sunday morning with a book. I’m turning off all means of communication now.