An Emotional Maelstrom on a Mix CD

October 3, 2008

Backstory: The recipient of this email, “Amber,”  had feelings for her friend, “Monty.” He liked her as well, but he was already in a relationship with someone else. After realizing that M would not leave his girlfriend, A told M that they could no longer be friends. This email followed.

Dearest Amber –
It’s 4 am and sleep is nowhere in sight right now. I apologize in advance for the disjointed nature of this note…I’ve been trying to get my head straight since you left, to no avail. I didn’t expect this evening, and I am still reeling from it, trying to get used to this. I haven’t felt this low in a long time, but I suppose what goes around comes around, and I know that whatever loss I’m feeling is equivalent, if not exceeded by the emotional maelstrom I’ve induced in you.

So again, I am deeply sorry that I’ve hurt you. It was the furthest thing from my intentions. But that being the case, I know that you need to make whatever changes are best for you. I am haunted by the memory of you describing how you feel about our relationship, and how the ring of my phone shatters that feeling. I want you to do whatever you must to make things better. I want for you whatever makes you happiest, and if that includes dispensing with our relationship as it has evolved over the past few months, then so be it. You know I understand, and that I support whatever decision you have to make. You should know that if you ever decide that you can include me in your life again, I’d be waiting to pick up where we left off.

I keep trying to figure out what this place is going to be like going forward from tonight, and I just can’t imagine it. I feel like out of nowhere, I just lost the best thing I had here, and it scares me so much. Looking back on it, anything that I’ve enjoyed over the past semester has been with you, or because of you. Losing you is far and away one of the worst things that I could imagine happening to my life at this school. I want you to know that whatever else happens, I will cherish the time we got to spend together, and the friendship we formed. Some of my happiest memories are from this past semester. You are the only person I consider a true friend here, the only person I really trust. For me, tonight will never change those facts, but sadly, I know in practice the extent to which they remain real to me will not matter much.

My one hope is that this dissolution will foster the rise of a better, healthier relationship between us in the future. I don’t expect it, and I surely don’t want to pressure you any more than I have with that statement. I just want you to know, for what it’s worth, and at the risk of sounding cheesy, that I will never stop hoping for us.

I’ve burned a couple of discs for you. Most of the music on them comes from a playlist I put together much earlier in the year, a little while after we had became friends. There were a lot of nights I couldn’t sleep back then, because I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and this was the soundtrack for many of those nights. Some of it I added tonight. But anyway, these songs will always remind me of you, and us. They captured my feelings so well when I wasn’t able to tell you how I felt, and they seem equally appropriate now. They always felt right. I hope they will for you too.

There is so much more that I want to express in words, but truly, they fail me. So I will quit for now, with one request. I know that as this new reality sets in, I will be better able to express myself. If it is ok with you, I would like to be able to write you a letter from time to time. Well, I mean send you a letter, as I am sure I will be writing regardless of whether I end up using the mail.

I’m so sorry A. I never wanted to hurt you. I will miss you more than you know.

– Monty


5 Responses to “An Emotional Maelstrom on a Mix CD”

  1. Christina said

    This is why sometimes having friends of the opposite sex is so dangerous..
    This email to me sounds kinda selfish. It sounds like M is using guilt & further displaying his feelings for A in order to keep her holding on. He obviously doesn’t want to let her go (as a friend or more) but knowing that she has feelings for him, and that he has a girlfriend, he shouldn’t write such heartfelt melodramatic b*llsh*t to her. At the risk of sounding cold (I think I’m too late) I think M should have been upfront with A, told her he wouldn’t leave his girlfriend, told her she was a great girl and moved on. I know if I were M’s girlfriend, this ‘note’ would not be encouraging for my feelings of my new relationship.
    Oh well- both A and M knew the consequences of infidelity. Not they’ve gotta deal with it.

  2. shar shar said

    Either this guy is an incredibly emotional and tragic being, or he is one heck of a poetic/romatic writer. He knows how to write.

  3. charlotte said

    i think if M really loved A as much as he displays in this letter, he would have no problem leaving his gf. nothing against the gf or whatever, but i mean if you truely love someone, wouldnt you go to the worlds end to be with them?

  4. Linds said

    I agree with you, Christina. Sometimes it is dangerous to have friends of the opposite sex. I recently had a falling out with one of my male friends because he had feelings for me and they were not reciprocated. I also have to agree with Shar Shar.

  5. candy blackmail said

    Whether they slept together or not, this letter clearly gives the impression they are having a mutual affair of the heart. He needs to be honest with himself – otherwise he’s still stringing two girls along and coming off as a real douchebag.

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