When You Don’t Care Enough to Send the Very Best…

October 15, 2008

A lot of people have this conception that breaking up via email message is a cop out. These people believe that break-ups should be done in person to show that you actually care enough about your partner’s feelings to let them leave the relationship with dignity. These are the same people who think that foie gras is a quaint afternoon snack that is best eaten as one drives around town in one’s gold-plated rocket car. But we at the JustBeenDumped headquarters know that writing a break-up email is really, really hard. It requires serious thought and compassion for your significant other, and can often take as long as fifteen whole minutes to artfully compose.

So if your lack of email stamina leaves you considering a break up conducted over the phone or–gasp–in person, here’s a brilliant idea that can save you both time and energy: the Break Up Email Generator. This website automatically creates a personalized break-up email, after you answer a few simple questions about your relationship. All you have to do is select the reasons behind your break-up (“he/she is just plain stupid,” “he/she has body odor issues”), which cliches you want to include (“it’s not you, it’s me,” “I’ve seen rocks that are more interesting than you”), or whether or not you want to stay friends. You even get to select your own signature from options ranging from the demure “Looking forward to our friendship” to the more direct “I hope maggots devour your testicles.”

So before you schedule that awkward break-up date, check out what the Break Up Email Generator can do for you. Read our sample email,

“Dear Adam,

I’m writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. You’ve changed too much since we met, and I don’t like it. I can’t believe how selfish you are. Relationships are supposed to be about sharing, jerk. Your arrogance seems to have no limits; it’s as if you think you’re actually somebody. It might be hard for you to believe, but one thing I can tell you for sure: you really need to work on your skills in bed. I mean, you’re just plain bad at sex. And another thing: take a freakin shower! You smell so bad that the garbage collectors wonder what the smell is when they come down the street. It’s not easy to carry on a successful relationship with someone like you. And by that, I mean someone who is downright stupid, you feeble-minded dimwit. I also really need more space, I don’t like feeling like an elephant in a telephone booth. I hope you understand. I don’t know how to break it to you, but I found someone else to replace you. You know what they say: out with the old, in with the new!

Sometimes you need to take things a bit slower, and just have fun. Unfortunately, this relationship is becoming too serious for my tastes. I’m not a puppet, you can’t just control me by pulling on a string, so why do you try to control everything I do? I need my freedom, and there’s nothing you can do about it. What really breaks the deal is your horrible grammar. Srsly d00d, learn 2 rite a sentance!

Sorry, but you’re not even worth keeping as a friend. It may be a typical line, but it’s true: we just aren’t meant for each other. I’m not sure whether we can see each other again in the future but, for now at least, I definitely need my own space. I think you get the idea: this relationship is over.

See you in hell,
Eve”

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