“No A-Hole Guarantee”

June 11, 2009

One of our female readers received this email from a potential suitor on Match.com. So it isn’t really a break up email. In fact, it’s sort of the opposite. But we’re going to post it anyway. Why? Because it is a great example of what NOT to do, whether you’re a man or a woman. So cut us some slack and enjoy. And if you use a dating website, please, take notes. We’ll help you out along the way.


One date guarantee: After one date if you are not totally satisfied with me as a perspective partner, you can return me to the pool of Match.com guys AT NO CHARGE!! 🙂 JBD Lesson 1: Emoticons are not masculine, unless they are used ironically. And even then… No annoying phone calls to make, no forms to fill out, no texts to make!!! JBD Lesson 2: Unless you are under age 14, please use exclamation points sparingly. You should not exceed a maximum of 4 per email, with no more than 2 used in succession.

I hope my opening made you laugh, sometimes its hard to get noticed on Match, I am sure you get more emails than you can handle in a day. Some of my female friends tell me I should offer a “no A-Hole guarantee” from some of the stories they tell, I think I should change my opening line..LOL!! JBD Lesson 3: No “LOLs.” None. Not ever.

Since I haven’t been meeting the right people I decided to try something different. Most of my friends are no help, they seem to be rarely around due to being on the “couples circuit”, LOL!!! JBD Lesson 4: See Lessons 2 and 3. Also, don’t hint that single people are pathetic. The girl you’re emailing is single too, remember? I am just looking for someone to hang out with, go to dinner with or explore the city with.

Sorry to ramble, I have to cut this short, my lunch is burning….chicken in an Herb white wine marinade….yum… JBD Lesson 5: Just say that you like to cook. Don’t play games with us. We might be hungry and now you’re just making us mad.

So I have to ask, did you get your red hair from your mom or dad…or bottle but I shouldn’t ask that 🙂 LOL!!! JBD Lesson 6: You have effectively just asked if the carpet matches the drapes. Following that with an emoticon, an “LOL” and 857 exclamation points does not make this okay.

TTYL!!! 🙂 JBD Lesson 7: Sigh.


3 Responses to ““No A-Hole Guarantee””

  1. -SM said

    Also, improper capitalization. Ugh.

  2. Jos. A. Bank said

    JBD Lesson 8: Proofread your e-mails. You are a “prospective” partner, and using words correctly may make you a better prospect…

  3. GM said

    Wow. It looks more like a teenage boy’s English paper than a Match.com-esque email.

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